Being true to oneself is a skill. It might even be the single most important skill we can acquire.  For many of us, the closest we’ve come to being true to ourselves happened during infancy.  (We cried when we felt like crying, laughed when we needed to laugh, slept when we became tired.  Somewhere along the way we taught ourselves to ignore our wants and needs. (We studied subjects we didn’t care to learn, we held our tongues when we wanted to be heard and we held jobs that we didn’t want to have.)  Over time these actions taught us how to master denying ourselves the yearning of our authentic self.

To be true to yourself, you must know yourself. That is an ongoing process without end. We never really complete the task; we just get better at it.  Many of us avoid getting to know ourselves because knowing involves uncertainty, and uncertainty is uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to mold personal myths about ourselves that we can cling to in order to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. “I am such and such a person”, we tell ourselves — even though we do not act that way, or at least haven’t acted that way in years. 

There are many ways to learn about oneself, but perhaps the best way is to watch what one does as objectively as one would watch someone else’s child at play. That requires considerable skill because it is not at all easy to dispassionately watch ourselves. Yet, that might well be the best way to learn about oneself.

Give it a try because it’s impossible to be genuinely happy in this life without being true to oneself.

Q.  You seem to love Fridays, is it really just about sleeping in late?

A.  Hell yeah!!!  I work two jobs; one that pays my bills and the other feeds my creativity but I do both because I love the work.   Working as an administrator and a writer stretches my intellect and heightens my empathy for others but also requires a great amount of multitasking.  By Friday night, I’m totally drained and the best solution for that is SLEEPING IN!  I just love Saturday morning.  (By the way, for me sleeping in is getting up at 8:30AM instead of 6AM.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but don’t get me started on Saturday afternoon naps….)

Q.  I like to believe most romance authors have a great love life.  Please tell me that’s the case with you and if not, why not?

A. (Laughs) Okay, you knew such a question would enlist a response, right?  Well, I don’t like to talk about my personal life in this forum but please know that I’m enjoying my life and the people in it.  At this time, I really don’t feel comfortable revealing more than that but you should know that I receive inspiration to write from my past experiences and the life events of my close friends.  I think that helps me write memorable characters and passionate love scenes.  

Q.  What NCAA basketball team do you think will be in the final?

A.  Connecticut and Pittsburgh, of course.  U-Conn. is the most impressive team in the NCAA tournament. And Pittsburgh, the Cinderella team that seems to work well under pressure, will finally attend the ball (I mean final) after 35 years of preparation.

Q.  Do you get upset about being told you need to re-write or do revisions?

A.  When I first hear or read criticism I take it to heart but then I give myself a few hours to digest that ‘What??  What???’ feeling and finally move into being productive.  Being scared of revisions doesn’t help me as a writer so eventually I fire up my computer and tackle the re-write head on. Besides, I can always try what’s being suggested and if I totally hate it, I can return to the original version.

The past can grip like shackles on your ankles if you let it.  And if there is somewhere you desperately want to go, you have to let go of the past in order to have a peaceful journey.

You must decide to walk out of the negativity and choose to embrace love, forgiveness, positivity and creativity.  I’m embracing that right now.  I’m making a choice to let go of my painful past memories and move forward.  Life has taught me that whenever I become withdrawn and unsociable; or judgmentally reactive it’s because I’m carrying emotional baggage I need to lay down.

If this is where you are at this moment; a state where you are mentally and emotionally confused and in so much bondage that you are unable to forgive, you need to realize that this behavior will steal your future. It will make you weigh you down in stagnant, murky, darkness that can lead to deep depression and pain.  And physical pain is a warning, telling us there is something wrong but if you aren’t listening to the warnings, problems will continue to grow.

I truly believe as long as you hold on to the past, you will not be able to sustain a new relationship, because you will self-sabotage any progress. It does not matter how many times you say you are going to bury the hatchet and start fresh, you will leave the axe handle sticking up so you can drag it up again whenever you feel like it. This is unacceptable behavior. Recognize it!  Admit it!   Change it immediately!

Remember love starts with loving yourself first!

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on
opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and! he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, there was a woman who swam to his side of the land.

On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"

"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.

This is too good not to share... My prayer for you today is that all your prayers are answered. Be blessed. This was shared with me by a friend, I hope you will share with your friends!

Okay, it’s officially spring so I’m breaking into the ‘Spring Cleaning’ mode.  Now I’m not a candidate for Oprah’s Messy House tour, by no means, but I like having a warm spring breeze blow into my home like everyone else.  So I’m going to do a comprehensive house cleaning from top to bottom this week.

You should have seen my daughters’ faces this weekend when I tackled the kitchen.  Like a whirlwind, the contents of the two junk drawers was sorted, the old cookware discarded and all old plastic containers were recycled.  (Do you guys know how quickly plastic containers can pile up. Man, I’m really enjoying my Pyrex food storage containers right now.)

Today, after work, it will be about cleaning out the bottom of the pantry and the linen closet.  It shouldn’t be too bad but I’m sure a lot of my old craft stuff will have to go.  (The days of helping the girls do crafty things for school projects are over.  They’re high schoolers now so everything is computer-based.)

It’s funny but all of this cleaning talk is making me think of my mother’s cleaning habits.  I remember being ten years old and being told to scrub the light switches and the wall around the door jamb.  My young brain just couldn’t comprehend such a nonsense tasks because who washes walls.  It’s not like you wear them or eat off of them but now, with kids of my own, it makes prefect sense.

So I hope you’ll think about doing your own home inspection and get your surrounding in order this season.  Also let yourself be led by God to clean out several bad habits which may have slowly crept their way into your household.  Since scientific research reportedly shows that it takes 21 days to build new habits, take some time to re-focusing your heart and mind to do away with any selfishness, stubbornness or laziness that keeps you from achieving your goals.

Just take a moment and ask yourself, if your home is lacking peace and joy.  If it is then perhaps it's time for a little "spring cleaning" of your own!

Q.  When you write, do you edit as you work, or do you wait till the end and then polish? How many drafts does an average novel of yours go through?

A.  If I had a pair of new shoes for every draft and revision I make to a novel I would have more shoes than Oprah and Mariah Carey combined.  Everyday, I read over what I wrote the day before and edit before I go on to the next section.  Every two weeks I read the manuscript from beginning to end so that I know the story by heart.



Q. Do you have other people read your work while you're writing, or do you like to wait until the story is finished? 

A.  When I finished North Star I had three people read it.  They gave me their feedback and looked for errors and typos but I’ll never let anyone read a work in progress.  The book is too raw at that stage.  



Q. Name one scene that you've written that you go back to re-read often because you like it so much. 

A.  Right now it’s a scene I wrote in North Star.  It’s a moment where Caresse tries to push Graham out of her life.  Her emotions are raw from what they both just experienced and she just doesn’t know if she can trust him with her vulnerability.  I think everyone has experienced that with a significant other. 



Q. Aside from writing, what other talents do you have?

A.  In addition to writing, I can sing, cook, dance and make my dearest friends laugh.  I guess you can say that I’m pretty gifted but everyone has various talents, right?

I just had to share this with everyone.  It was email to me today so I hope each of you will appreciate the message.

“A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very negative people to say the least.  Nothing is ever good enough! When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed... It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them!  Right? You never know what people have gone through to get what they have... 

The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story... If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too! We've all got some haters among us! Some people envy you because you can:

a) Have a relationship with God      
b) Light up a room when you walk in      
c) Start your own business      
d) Tell a man/woman to hit the curb (if he/she isn't about the right thing)      
e) Raise your children without both parents being in the home 

Haters can't stand to see you happy. Haters will never want to see you succeed. Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle your undercover haters? You can handle these haters by:            
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are (This is VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.         
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams!  You only have one life to live...when its your time to leave this earth, you want to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled my dreams, Now I'm ready to go HOME!

When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me...Look at who is in charge of me...Just pray for them, that their life can be as fulfilled as yours! Watch out for Haters...BUT most of all don't become a HATER!

A person's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a person should have to seek Him first to find that person.”

 -- Maya Angelou  

I’m sure all of you have heard that the Tony-award winning actress Natasha Richardson has died.   She was 45 years young and she suffered a traumatic head injury while skiing March 17th.  She was best known for her award-winning performance in the musical Cabaret and for her roles in films such as ‘Nell’ and ‘The Parent Trap’, and was married to actor Liam Neeson.

She left the world at such a young age.  She was just 45 and her short life teaches us to enjoy our lives to the fullest.

Someone once said, "There is no bigger sin than a life not lived. A life not lived is by all means an oxymoron. Life has to be lived. Every human being, from the moment she or he is born, gets options to enjoy life at the fullest.  So learn how to live a life full of happiness and joy.  You don't have to be rich to do that.

As human beings we have more options than all other species. Besides taking the basic decisions: food, shelter and coupling, we also have choices on how we are going to live and where we are going to live, and even more importantly, how exciting our lives are going to be.

Salma Hayek, the famous Mexican actress, once said to Oprah Winfrey, “I was famous in Mexico, but I wanted to be a great actress. I decided to abandon my career in Mexico and come to Hollywood to risk everything, because my dream was to be a good actress. It was very hard in the beginning; I was rejected and almost insulted by some producers and directors. I was running out of money at the time. Some people in Mexico never understood why I took such a high risk I succeeded, but if I would have failed, it wouldn't have mattered, because I tried my best.”

What is failure and what is success is a relative term. Ultimately, probably it is the measurement of our true happiness.

If you do not fulfill your own role in the universe, one day you will regret it. Do not let routine and urgency steal your life. Let remember how Natasha Richardson embraced that philosophy.  Let’s learn to enjoy our lives and the time God has given us on this planet.

I’ve written characters that enjoy using intimidation, manipulation and domination to control their relationships.   For them relationships are filled with power plays for control.  That works well for heighten drama in a novel but redeeming such a relationship in real life is impossible with the implementation of a wise plan, strongly redefined boundaries, and a time of separation in order to gain perspective.

Love, equality and respect are the hallmarks of healthy relationships. But any form of strong-arm tactics means the relationship has already taken a turn to for the worse. (i.e. Rihanna and Chris Brown)

Each of these relationship-poisons (manipulation, domination and intimidation) can be very subtle, coming in different shapes, sizes and intensities.  Here are a few:
1. The relationship has been kept on an unequal footing (one person might keep power over another).
2. One person tries to get what he or she wants through threats or withdrawal.
3. It is expected that every move, thought, and feeling will be reported at least from the less-dominant person to the other. If one person is unwilling to tell all, it is assumed there is something to hide.
4. One person is not free to make plans without consulting or getting permission from the other.
5. One person feels at liberty to speak for both people and then, is offended when the partner wants to express his or her own views.
6. Difference in opinion or having different interests is considered a lack of love, or a lack of respect and commitment.

If anyone sees these traits in themselves or someone they love they should re-evaluate their relationship because in healthy relationships there is no element of either winning or losing.   Loving relationships aren’t like a game of chess; they are free of tactics and agenda.

Okay everyone it’s Friday and in the tradition of my old website Fridays are the days that I go to my email bag and grab questions (frequently asked questions) posted by my site viewers.  You guys can ask me anything, within reason, and I’ll give you my take on it.  So let’s go!!

Q.  Do characters drive your novels or plot points?

A.  Good question.  I would have to say it’s a little of both.  I plan out the story I want to tell but then as each chapter unfolds the characters begin to have layers and depth.  Before you know it, they are dictating how the story should progress. 


Q.  What do you think about the Rihanna and Chris Brown situation?

A.  Domestic violence should not happen to anybody. Ever. Period. But when it does, there is help and everybody needs to remember that.   Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his partner.

What happened to Rihanna was a teachable moment for everyone.  It was an opportunity to say it's OK to talk about domestic abuse and get help.  I really hope both of these talented, young people seek the help they need.  


Q.  What is your favorite reality show?

A.  If I had to pick one I would say “Making the Band” because my daughters and I watch it together.



Q.  Are you writing a novel to become famous?

A.  (Laughter)  No.  Write because I love writing.  I’ve been writing since I was young and I read a wide range of authors for my degree.  Books are such a big part of my life so it was a natural progression to become a writer.